Staff: Simon Cooper - Mustard comedy magazine
Simon Cooper

Simon Cooper

Tea and biscuits

Staff Artist

Simon drew many illustrations for Mustard, as well as the Daily Mustard two-pagers that appears in Alan Moore's Dodgem Logic magazine.

See his art at


Satirical News & Articles

Local stadium is secret space ark

Local stadium is
secret space ark

Escape apocalypse in government spaceship

Ugly people to get better parking spaces

Ugly people's parking spaces

Less attractive people will be
given special permits

Eat, Shït, and Die

Eat, Shït, and Die

Sandwich chain's name inspires other brands

Harnessing emotions could solve energy crisis

Harnessing emotions
to solve energy crisis

Fuelled by kittens and outrage

Catholic rewards card app

Catholic rewards app

What do points make? Piety!

Worrying rise in mobile use by under-zeros

Rise in mobile use by under-zeros

Concern over amount of
social networking by foetuses

Linguist discovers 'perfect' photo caption

Linguist discovers 'perfect' photo caption

Schoolbook caption hailed as
'lexical Holy Grail'

One man's crusade to save the English coastline

Save the English coastline

One man's crusade to conserve
England's traditional edges

Fashion cabal's dark secret

Fashion cabal has dark secret

Middle-aged billionaires compete
to make teenagers look stupid

Artist brings roof down

Artist brings roof down

Shocking exhibition by radical
new conceptual artist

This is not a lead pipe

Series of bizarre deaths

Detectives investigate
baffling homicides

Deadlock in midwinter festival negotiations

Midwinter festival deadlock

Negotiations continue for
ownership of December 25th

Street Games

Street Games

The new craze of live-action board games

Binge watching ravages middle class

Binge watching addicts

Middle-class Brits hooked on American product

Face Palm

Face Palm

The undo button for life

Mustard Horoscopes

Mustard Horoscopes

by Agnes McScratch


Movie Posters


Stories & Characters

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.3: Health

"We need the good old traditional British diseases back"

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.4: Plagues

"Death rates were over 100%, as the plague killed those compiling the statistics."

Derring Dos & Don'ts: #5: The Poor

pt.5: Poor

"Sponge off your relatives: I've wrung my folks, in strict rotation, 'til they squeaked."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.7: Wealth

"I've outlived several of my children; it's been open season on them from birth."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.9: Sport

"Shotguns or surnames, I prefer them double-barrelled."


True Stories

Patella Head

Patella Head

"My knees lacked the structural integrity they had enjoyed pre-Nissan Micra."

Hasta la Visa

Hasta la Visa

"Traffic lights are for guidance only here, so try not to look."


Mustard Posters


The Complete Mustard

Mustard comedy magazine compendium
Mustard comedy magazine

Get the Mustard  Compendium: 
PDF  ยท  Paperback

The complete 336-page collection of all 9¼ issues,
featuring new and updated funny stuff, plus expanded interviews.


Myth Management

Out now: Mustard's first spin-off novel

Myth Management: a Young Adult Urban Fantasy novel by Alex Musson
Myth Management: a Young Adult Urban Fantasy novel by Alex Musson

Paperback  £8.99  ·

Kindle  £2.99  ·