Derring Dos & Don'ts: Food - Mustard comedy magazine
Colonel Mustard

Derring Dos & Don'ts
An instructive guide for the English adventurer

Part Six: Food

A thick soup obscured my view. Croutons floated slowly past my nose. Once again it seems, I had fallen asleep during lunch.

Alas, my stamina is not what is was. As a young man, my constitution was remarkable and I had many gastronomic adventures.

Oh, what larks we had! Roasted, I believe, with a side of green beans and potatoes. As I remember, the larks were seared in seal-pup fat and stuffed into thrushes, which in turn were stuffed into a dodo, then an albatross, an emu, and ultimately a great auk. After which they were killed, which I imagine came as a quite a relief.

These meals were both delicious and a major contribution to keeping bird-watching books down to a manageable size. (Side note: ornithologists are an ungrateful bunch).

Some may bray about animal cruelty, but I have no such qualms. After all, I'm the man who popularised the drink known as the slush puppy. Likewise, hot dogs.

Fine dining

It is important to understand the distinction between cuisine and grub. One can dine on cuisine, but one merely eats grub. Grub is consumed out of necessity, its name deriving from the practice of eating the larval stage of an insect 'in extremis', such as when lost in an Australian rain-forest, or whilst working a 40-hour shift in one of my fruit farms in Kent.

Of course, meat shouldn't be the only thing on the platter. I recommend the inclusion of a large water cress leaf, which sits beneath the meat mountain to act as a little green traffic light, telling the serving staff when to bring the next course.

Foreign food

During my travels I've devoured all manner of exotic beasts. At one memorable feast during my tour of Kenya, our party consumed three of the top five endangered species in one sitting, all served up on a giraffe-neck smorgasbord.

Entertainment was provided by a troupe of dancing apes who were disconcertingly talented; so much so that I had to refuse them when they were served up as breakfast. I will eat any animal that can walk, crawl, swim, scuttle or slither, but I draw the line at tap dance.

Meals in transit

When trekking around the Empire, it was important to find food to eat on the go. I had much success with my invention, the portable sausage machine. Attach it to the flesh of the livestock whilst it grazes, and my contraption will gently extract, tenderise and cook the meat whilst keeping the unwitting animal mildly anaesthetised. Time it right, and on long trips your beast of burden can double as a tasty snack by the time you reach your destination.

I also recommend steering clear of certain Indian tuck. I was once served a curried dish by a self-styled tantric food guru, who claimed that it would "open my third eye". By jingo, it did; I was bleeding out of it for a week. The spices were so strong that I had a full out-of-body experience, transporting me back to my childhood, and my first food memory of being caught in the pantry with my hand in the mustard jar.

It's true what they say, the finest food is transformative. Mainly around the middle.

~ A.M. & R.A.

Illo: S.C.


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