Detectives investigate series of bizarre deaths - Mustard comedy magazine
Detectives investigate series of bizarre deaths

Detectives investigate series of bizarre deaths

Populace on alert following baffling homicides

A man was found dead this morning in macabre circumstances, sprawled over his kitchen counter with a large red papier-mâché lobster up his bottom.

This is the latest in a series of freakish and baffling deaths reported all around the country. Earlier this month an unfortunate young couple were chased off Brighton pier by a herd of tap-dancing giraffes. Two weeks before that, a group of businessmen were savagely attacked by burning lampposts. And last January, a woman was found asphyxiated by a clock that seemed to have somehow been melted over her face.

"We can no longer ignore the trombone-headed elephant in the room," said Scotland Yard's DCI Morris. "This is clearly the work of a surreal killer."

Detectives have traced the string of killings back to a case in Paris last year, where the murder weapon was found with a note saying "Ceci n'est pas une pipe plomb" ("This is not a lead pipe").

Asked if these killings might be connected to the shower of dead fairies found scattered across a busy road last week, Detective Morris dismissed it as unrelated: "Our man is a surrealist, that's more magical realism."

Morris also revealed that the killer had contacted the police to brag about his crimes. "Although, instead of a letter, he sent us a giant Perspex eye crying tears of Spam, so that wasn't really much help."

Police said they are looking for a man in his mid-30s, possibly hovering a few centimetres off the ground and hurling cats over his head in slow motion.

"Or," said DCI Morris, "He may have an apple for a head."

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.


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