Catholic rewards app - Mustard comedy magazine
Catholic Church launches rewards app

Catholic Church launches rewards app

What do points make? Piety!

"We Catholics have always been able to get time knocked off purgatory by making a holy pilgrimage or walking through blessed arches," said a Vatican spokesman. "But how do you keep track? Well, now all the information is at your fingertips with our sacred Rewards App: bringing sacramental absolution into the digital age!"

The app – also available as a reward card – enables believers to tap-in at touch points installed in various holy places, collecting and storing 'piety points' Every 1,000 points earns them one year off their future time in purgatory. Special offers, such as '50 extra points for attending communion', are advertised on the Vatican website and at their local churches. The most dedicated followers will be aiming for 100,000 points and the much sought-after 'get out of Hell free' gold card, which has increased attendance at holy sites worldwide.

Yesterday saw the first eager group of users ascend Rome's holy steps on their knees whilst praying, in the traditional manner. There they were greeted by a nun who swiped their cards, crediting them with the relevant amount of piety points.

The app also keeps track of people's sins: users simply tap-in when entering confessional, then the app updates their profile after they perform the required number of Hail Marys.

Finally, after a user passes on, their time in purgatory is calculated during a solemn religious ceremony inspired by 1980s game show The Crystal Maze; silver and gold pieces of paper representing sins and absolutions are blown around inside the glass dome of the Popemobile, then collected and added up by Richard O'Brien.

Some critics have complained that the scheme trivialises the church's sacred traditions. Others say it's a nice distraction from all the child abuse.

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.


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