Derring Dos & Don'ts: Women - Mustard comedy magazine
Colonel Mustard in drag

Derring Dos & Don'ts
An instructive guide for the English adventurer

Part 2: Women

I well remember the fear with which I first encountered females, and thus shall impart my knowledge to the younger reader who stands before women, as I once did, with fear in his eyes, doubt in his heart and urine slowly filling his boots.

Take heed, for this is the Mustard guide to facing the most dangerous creature ever encountered by man: woman.

i) Preparing for courtship

The English Rose is conditioned to respond to signals naturally given off by the Great British Male. However, one can give nature a helping hand. In my Oxbridge days, the chaps and I would prepare for a night's courting with a few simple techniques:

a) There is an ointment available from a discreet Savile Row druggist which one applies under the nose to create a more impressive stiff upper lip. This balm is extracted from the sweat of a rare Egyptian marsupial, renowned for its shyness, hence the quite exorbitant price for a 150ml bottle.

b) My companions and I would also compete to see who could make their face the purplest — a complexion that is, of course, a sign of masculine virility and which makes females go weak at the thighs. (A tip: I invariably won these competitions by imagining Bolsheviks prancing in Leicester Square).

c) Finally, if the evening is to include dancing, with the friction of scented female bodies that this entails, I recommend avoiding embarrassment by availing oneself of the houseboy before heading out.

These are, of course, all last-minute preparations. As a long-term exercise, I have found that attaching small weights to one's moustache can help lengthen it, whilst a sprinkling of plant fertilizer will serve to amplify its bushiness.

ii) Intercourse (social & loin)

Understandably, society dictates that all these luncheons and balls must occasionally meander into acts of copulation.

In my reckless youth – back in the days when men were real men and women were, more often than not, young boys in drag – I was quite the Don Juan.

I lost my cherry to a sweet Indian princess; the evening was marred only when her guards interrupted us mid-coitus and I was forced to flee across the courtyard wearing only her underwear.

My father had to initiate a small war to keep the story from getting out, so sadly I never saw her again.

These days, however, I wouldn't attempt any of the more advanced positions from the Kama Super (the unedited version of that other watered-down tome) without the assistance of my batsman and a small bamboo splint.

For the more demanding female I have had built – from my own design – a contraption of buffalo skin and finest mahogany that I can be strapped into in less than half-an-hour (weather permitting).

This fine machine requires only a half dozen servants operating a system of ropes and pulleys to move my buttocks up and down at the requested speed. When I unveiled this at Lady Chatterley's last dinner party I was quite the centre of attention. I must remember to patent it.

iii) Contraception, forgetfulness and maintenance payments

One must always take adequate precautions during copulation. For many years, gentlemen favoured a special sheath made of pig's gut which, when worn over the head, would prevent the lady in question from recognising you. However, smaller sheaths are now available which can be worn over the manhood.

Of course, one must consider the ramifications of spreading one's seed around. I remember my father, dewy eyed, telling me of his shame when he was unable to complete my birth certificate because he didn't know who my real mother was.

~ A.M. & R.A.

Illo: S.C.


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