Mustard Horoscopes

by Agnes McScratch

Pisces

When you were born under a fire sign, your mother eagerly awaited your transformation from bawling, toothless blob to a bold and spontaneous leader. Right now, she's studying a photo of you and laughing bitterly.

Aries

The Pole Star in Basildon lets you view family affairs in a more objective way. Unfortunately, your brother's public reference to the 'Bottom Marbles Incident' at a family reunion will still result in you storming tearfully out as your senile grandfather enquires, "why is Agnes so upset?"

Taurus

Moonshine in your urethra heightens your appreciation of the beautiful. Be aware, however, that even if you think any style emporium worth its salt should be flattered by your theft of £2,176 worth of goods, Shoe Express is not one of them.

Gemini

The rising sun of Jupiter in Mars makes you acutely aware of your need to nurture other living things. Rabbits make wonderful companions, and you should understand the emotional and financial commitment required to take in a little baby one and fatten it up for cooking.

Cancer

Having checked your boyfriend's star chart, you are delighted to see that you two are perfectly compatible. Which makes it extremely amusing when you find your birth certificate and discover that you're actually a Scorpio. And adopted.

Leo

The alignment of Saturn in the Milky Way magnifies the charitable side of your nature, allowing you to see all that unnecessary clutter in your life. While filling bin liners with stuff for your local charity shop, why not put your boyfriend in too? There's no telling what some people will spend 20 pence on.

Virgo

You may come into an unexpected amount of money this month. If not, it is still worth keeping the following information safe for future reference: decent hitmen cost around £1,300 for kneecapping; twice as much for a bullet through the head.

Libra

Why not use those weekends for some DIY round the house? Turn your practical mind to the task of rigging up a covered, spike-filled pit on your doorstep. Experiment carefully on various pests (MPs, born-again Christians, etc) with a view to publishing your findings.

Scorpio

The twin moons of Uranus leave you feeling a little sensitive and in need of some TLC. But all the same, if you weren't so hopeless then maybe he'd still be going out with you, eh? Are you crying again? Oh, for God's sake.

Sagittarius

As Pluto rises in your Solar Plexus, you get the space you need to think about your ex, and what a great sense of humour he has. Why not leave him a message saying that you're pregnant with his ginger-haired baby?

Capricorn

Your dull dress sense pays off this week, when you discover first-hand how the jury always notices a neat and tidy appearance over a watertight alibi.

Aquarius

You meet someone friendly, funny, rich and cute and hit it off immediately. It's early days, so you shy away from the "ultimate commitment" – but he is prepared to wait, as are all polite necrophiliacs.

~ E.T.

Illo: S.C.

 

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