Deadlock in midwinter festival negotiations - Mustard comedy magazine
Deadlock in midwinter festival negotiations

Deadlock in midwinter festival negotiations

Battle for exclusive ownership of December 25th

As we enter day twelve of the midwinter festival negotiations, tensions remain high. The world can only watch and hope that the rival superpowers come to some agreement over the contested date, thus avoiding any hostilities.

The two organisations' ongoing struggle, known as 'the Cold War', has so far been limited to espionage, propaganda and rivalry at sports events. But Baby Jesus and Santa have both been losing influence over the holiday, due, respectively, to the rise of atheism and the recession.

Just what either side intends to do about this is unknown, but international concerns grew following a noticeable build up of Elf forces at the North Pole and "suspicious clanking noises" coming from Baby Jesus' manger. Although both sides denied planning any action, peace talks were hastily arranged by governing body Myth Management.

Claus' huge team of lawyers, funded by a leading soft drinks company, claimed that Dec 25th is not even Jesus' real birthday, and demanded to see a birth certificate.

Baby Jesus' team countered that they'd been using the date for 16 centuries, whilst their opponents had simply "appropriated a bunch of modern German rubbish in order to sell some toys".

Claus responded, "Perhaps the Pagans would have something to say about appropriating holidays," to which Baby Jesus, eyeing him levelly, replied. "Don't make me pull rank here, Saint Nicholas."

Should it come to open conflict, market analysts suggest Santa will find a protracted campaign difficult, with his organisation's annual expenditure of £200 trillion on toys alone. BJ's finances are stronger, as he receives regular tributes from Middle Eastern monarchs. A trader told us: "If we see a run on myrrh, you'll know war's not far off."

Meanwhile, diplomats are attempting to keep talks going until Boxing Day, in the hope that everyone will be too stuffed with turkey to be bothered.

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.


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