Stories & Characters - Mustard comedy magazine

Stories & Characters

Derring Dos & Don'ts

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.3: Health

"We need the good old traditional British diseases back"

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.4: Plagues

"Death rates were over 100%, as the plague killed those compiling the statistics."

Derring Dos & Don'ts: #5: The Poor

pt.5: Poor

"Sponge off your relatives: I've wrung my folks, in strict rotation, 'til they squeaked."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.7: Wealth

"I've outlived several of my children; it's been open season on them from birth."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.9: Sport

"Shotguns or surnames, I prefer them double-barrelled."


Writer's Block

Writer's Block #1: The Big Nasty

#1: The Big Nasty

"Seems he'd taken too much opium and ended up waxing a couple of cats."

Writer's Block #2: Mad Men 1980s

#2: Mad Men 1980s

"I have slipped beneath your sheets like an incubus."

Writer's Block: Grey Dust

#3: Grey Dust

"Fourteen. Men. Dead. He should've had the minibus serviced."

Writer's Block: The Invention of Time Travel

#4: The Invention
of Time Travel

"Middle-class fear of embarrassment is the mother of invention."

Writer's Block: Whatever Happened To Your Bright Eyes, Johnny?

#5: Whatever Happened To Your Bright Eyes, Johnny?

"Johnny didn't have no problem with no Vietcong. Or no double-negatives."

Writer's Block: The Unobtainable Chimney Sweep

#6: The Unobtainable Chimney Sweep

"Iron-veined muscles throbbed beneath a coal-grey top-shirt."

Writer's Block: Management Tips

#7: Management

"Break the ice in boring meetings with a short introductory rap."

Writer's Block: Binkins, Of Course!

#8: Binkins, Of Course!

"A secret supper!
He could already taste
the illicit fish fingers."

Writer's Block: Thomas and the Inevitability of Everything

#9: Thomas and the Inevitability of Everything

"It doesn't matter, groaned Emily, dyingly."


Skinny & Nod

Skinny & Nod

Dialogues between a pair of bouncers
Skinny & Nod: Shoe

#1: Shoe

"Don't even try with sandals. They look like a shoe's ribs."

Skinny & Nod: Self

#2: Self

"He said I had a face like a fist and a voice like a fist at work."

Skinny & Nod: Swanky

#3: Swanky

"Is that a black tie, sir?
Go and get the colour chart, Nod."

Skinny & Nod: Sign

#4: Sign

"Skinny ain't exactly au-lait with the world of speculative fantasy."

Skinny & Nod: Bag

#5: Bag

"There's a good case for locking up anyone normal looking."

Skinny & Nod: Closet

#6: Closet

"Yeah. It's been praised for its really tense atmosphere."


Bad Endings

Bad Endings

A series of tales that don't end well
Bad Endings: Old Hat

#1: Old Hat

"The man who sat beneath my brim
was just a sloppy reconstruction."

Bad Endings: Suicide Chic

#2: Suicide Chic

"We need to make suicide uncool.
That's where you come in."

Bad Endings: Bieber4Ever

#3: Bieber4Ever

"Justin's tooth sold for
four thousand dollars"

Bad Endings: Streep Cred

#4: Streep Cred

"Ms Streep phrased it as a statement rather than a question."

Monkey at Typewriter


#1: Manly things I have yet to do
#2: First draft chat-up lines
#3: Phrases I use when I have no idea


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