Stories & Characters

pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

pt.3: Health

"We need the good old traditional British diseases back"

pt.4: Plagues

"Death rates were over 100%, as the plague killed those compiling the statistics."

pt.5: Poor

"Sponge off your relatives: I've wrung my folks, in strict rotation, 'til they squeaked."

pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

pt.7: Wealth

"I've outlived several of my children; it's been open season on them from birth."

pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

pt.9: Sport

"Shotguns or surnames, I prefer them double-barrelled."

#1: The Big Nasty

"Seems he'd taken too much opium and ended up waxing a couple of cats."

#2: Mad Men 1980s

"I have slipped beneath your sheets like an incubus."

#3: Grey Dust

"Fourteen. Men. Dead. He should've had the minibus serviced."

#4: The Invention
of Time Travel

"Middle-class fear of embarrassment is the mother of invention."

#5: Whatever Happened To Your Bright Eyes, Johnny?

"Johnny didn't have no problem with no Vietcong. Or no double-negatives."

#6: The Unobtainable Chimney Sweep

"Iron-veined muscles throbbed beneath a coal-grey top-shirt."

#7: Management
Tips

"Break the ice in boring meetings with a short introductory rap."

#8: Binkins, Of Course!

"A secret supper!
He could already taste
the illicit fish fingers."

#9: Thomas and the Inevitability of Everything

"It doesn't matter, groaned Emily, dyingly."

#1: Shoe

"Don't even try with sandals. They look like a shoe's ribs."

#2: Self

"He said I had a face like a fist and a voice like a fist at work."

#3: Swanky

"Is that a black tie, sir?
Go and get the colour chart, Nod."

#4: Sign

"Skinny ain't exactly au-lait with the world of speculative fantasy."

#5: Bag

"There's a good case for locking up anyone normal looking."

#6: Closet

"Yeah. It's been praised for its really tense atmosphere."

#1: Old Hat

"The man who sat beneath my brim
was just a sloppy reconstruction."

#2: Suicide Chic

"We need to make suicide uncool.
That's where you come in."

#3: Bieber4Ever

"Justin's tooth sold for
four thousand dollars"

#4: Streep Cred

"Ms Streep phrased it as a statement rather than a question."

Listicles

#1: Manly things I have yet to do
#2: First draft chat-up lines
#3: Phrases I use when I have no idea