Save the English coastline - Mustard comedy magazine
Save the English coastline

Save the English coastline

One man's crusade to conserve England's traditional edges

Standing at the water's edge on Dover beach, Edwin Hutch ceremoniously hammered in the first small wooden post in his hand-made chicken-wire fence.

Mr Hutch, 58, who is founder of the Common Sense Committee to Conserve the Shape of England, explained: "Every day there is another change forced upon this great nation of ours. Soon the Britain we recognise from our youth will be gone forever. Well, I for one have had enough. I am making a stand. And a fence."

Mr Hutch has lived through a time of tumultuous change, with supermarkets, immigration, test-tube babies, Moon landings and political correctness all intruding into his well-ordered existence. The final straw came when he heard on Radio 4 that the coastline is receding at a rate of one millimetre per decade.

"This is unconscionable," railed Mr Hutch. "I firmly believe that the shape England was when I was born is correct, and must be protected."

"Spitfires didn't valiantly defend the skies above our heads just so some Brussels bureaucrat could erode the sand beneath our feet!"

"You can call me old-fashioned," he pronounced. "But I believe in an England of short-back-and-sides, bicycle clips, Terry and June, and Curly Wurlys."

"But if we don't act now, our grandchildren will grow up in a land mired in drugs and bad manners, run by homeopaths and multiculturalists."

Head raised high, he turned to face Dover's iconic white cliffs. "Well, maybe one man can't stop all that," he said. "But at least I'll go out knowing England is still the right bloody shape."

~ A.M.

Illo: S.C.


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