Mustard comedy magazine: Issue #07
Mustard issue 07 doodle

Issue #07


Mustard 07 Editorial

Welcome to issue seven of Mustard magazine. And just look at the view from up here at the top of the issue! It's been a long arduous climb from the base camp at issue #01, and we've certainly left a few crampons stuck in the rock face along the way. But we've been operating at peak efficiency and hopefully scaled new heights. Which is not bad for summit we put together in our spare time.

- Alex

This issue's Evil Corporate Sponsor
Dolomansaxilil Shoe Corporation
This issue's Obligatory Movie Quote
"Who would send me a pig?"

In this issue:


Satirical News & Articles

Worrying rise in mobile use by under-zeros

Rise in mobile use by under-zeros

Concern over amount of
social networking by foetuses

Linguist discovers 'perfect' photo caption

Linguist discovers 'perfect' photo caption

Schoolbook caption hailed as
'lexical Holy Grail'

Street Games

Street Games

The new craze of live-action board games

Comic Strips

Shallow Grave Ending

Shallow Grave  Ending

Christopher Eccleston & Ewan McGregor fight to the death

Bill Paxton's Big Love

Bill Paxton's Big Love

Bill's loving family of sister-wives:
Terminator, Alien and Predator

Stories & Characters

Derring Dos & Don'ts: #8: Currency

Derring Dos & Don'ts
pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

Writer's Block: Binkins, Of Course!

Writer's Block
#8: Binkins, Of Course!

"He could already taste
the illicit fish fingers."

Bad Endings: Suicide Chic

Bad Endings
#2: Suicide Chic

"We need to make suicide uncool. That's where you come in."

Infographics & Adverts

Face Palm

Face Palm

The undo button for life

Cut Out and Make Your Own Universe

Cut Out and Make...

#6: Universe

Movie Posters & Mag Covers


In Brief

Lashings and ginger beer!

Lashings and ginger beer!
The rise of Enid Blyton fetish clubs

A.M. / A.W.

This week in the soaps

This week in the soaps
A bit of a whale, some chemicals
and a pubic hair

A.M. / A.W.

Pet Dispensary

Pet Dispensary
RSPCA criticise
puppy-vending machines

A.M. / A.W.

Pop Quorn

Pop Quorn
The cinema snack
with no animal fat

A.M. / A.W.

Bible belt

Bible belt
Easy hip-holder access to the
new and old testaments

A.M. / A.W.


One-Panel Cartoons


Robin Ince caricature

Robin Ince

I'm a reading list comedian.
I want people to be excited by science and philosophy.

The stand-up and creator of The Book Club on his atheist Christmas shows
and podcasts Infinite Monkey Cage and Utter Shambles.
12,600 words

Paper People

Paper People: Robin Ince

Robin Ince Paper People

Cut-out-and-make Robin and friends.


Douglas Adams caricature

Douglas Adams

42 moments from the life of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
and Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency author.

Letters Page

Letters Page

Letters Page: Issue #07

"Nothing stood out as being unpleasant."

Covers & Posters



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Mustard #07

All text and images are © their respective authors.

Cover: Doodle version by A.W.
Real version: Design by A.M., Robin Ince photo © Steve Ullathorne

Thanks: Alan Moore, Val Stevenson, James Sherwood, Dave Stewart, Guy Cuthbertson,
Lindsey Clarke, Richard Burdett, David Bussell and Pamela Musson.

This issue is dedicated to the Saltmine crew, circa 2001,
where Mustard was born as a black & white photocopied mag.

Nude Scientist · Premature Obituarist · National Pornographic · Amateur Surgeon Monthly · Un-PC magazine ·
What Magazine? magazine · What Ho? magazine (guide to Victorian prostitutes) · All Mod Cons (for Vespa loving Tories) ·
Pros & Cons (for call girls & the Tory MPs who love them) · Trolling Stone (baiting music industry celebs on Twitter) ·
Men Bee-Hiving Badly (for the laddish apiarist) · Celebrity Squares (gossip about dull celebs) ·
What Body? (for discerning murderers) · Fake a Break (for bogus accident claimants) · MEN (the music magazine for dyslexics)

More issues »

The Complete Mustard

Mustard comedy magazine compendium
Mustard comedy magazine

Get the Mustard  Compendium: 
PDF  ยท  Paperback

The complete 336-page collection of all 9¼ issues,
featuring new and updated funny stuff, plus expanded interviews.


Myth Management

Out now: Mustard's first spin-off novel

Myth Management: a Young Adult Urban Fantasy novel by Alex Musson
Myth Management: a Young Adult Urban Fantasy novel by Alex Musson

Paperback  £8.99  ·

Kindle  £2.99  ·