Skinny & Nod: Closet - Mustard comedy magazine
Skinny & Nod

The Skinny & Nod Dialogues

#6: Closet

"Ere, Nod, why don't we ever get the same job twice?"

"Boss says it summat to do with lightning."

"Is that why the last place burnt down then?"

"Nah. That was more to do with the bloke who started it."

"You mean the one what was on fire?"

"Yeah, the muppet. He won't make that mistake again."

"'Course, you know why that job was never gonna last?"

"Yeah... why?"

"House rules too prohibitive, Noddy. You don't run a club that exclusive and expect it to be popular. Now, this club's a whole new pool match. I don't normally entertain queers, but you have to admit that they get the punters in."

"True enough. Can't all be gay though."

"Oh no, no way. I mean how many we got in tonight, seventy, eighty?"


"So statistics dictate there can't be more than seven or eight authentic bandits in."

"You think?"

"Stands to reason. Only one in ten guys are banana-balancers, so there must be dozens of straight blokes in there. You saw all those guys with the muscles and the tattoos, same as I did."

"Poor sods. You think they know?"

"Maybe they do. Some guys don't care. They like gay clubs because they don't get hassled by skirt. No pressure to perform."

"Like that new place off the High Street."

"The Closet? Yeah now that's a different kettle. That caters for what they call closet-cases. Guys who don't want to be recognised as wand wranglers, like married blokes or people in macho lines of work. They got cheap drinks, too."

"Well I read somewhere that it's nice for them to have a place where they can go and really not be themselves."

"Yeah. It's been praised for its really tense atmosphere."

"Tense is right, mate."

"You been, then?"

"They don't scare me."

"Right. Well, they do say that you've never had a blow job 'till you've had it from another bloke."

"Who does?"

"Well, gay fellas, mostly."

"Don't be a cock, mate. They're not gonna say otherwise, are they? I bet it doesn't feel any different to my old lady. Maybe a bit less stubble."

"Yeah. Maybe."


"You gonna be okay for a minute? I just wanna nip in to use the loo..."

"Yeah, me too."

~ R.F.

Illo: A.W.


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