Bad Endings: Bieber4Ever - Mustard comedy magazine
Bad Endings

Bad Endings:
A series of tales that don't end well

#3: Bieber4Ever

Justin Bieber had fallen on hard times. As his hair thinned and his tattoos crept past his collar and onto his face, his fans grew older and forgot about their former idol.

Justin toiled in obscurity through the Twenties, then the Thirties, eventually catching a sliver of limelight with a walk-on part in an episode of the 17th season of The Big Bang Theory (where he played a racially insensitive karaoke singer).

This appearance, coupled with society's ever-present enthusiasm for pop culture past, led to a brief flurry of Justin Bieber nostalgia that the ex-singer wasted no time exploiting. Reaching out to his fans, he began a weekly webcast auctioning off his own memorabilia. The first lot, a matchbox containing three of his baby teeth, drew a final bid of two thousand dollars. Justin was ecstatic; even more so when an agent showed up with a promise to double all future profits.

Justin wasn't sure what to auction next, and that gave his agent an idea. "Why not throw it out to the fans and ask them what they want?" she said. Not only would it add an extra layer of interactivity to the process, it might gain him some much-needed press attention. Justin liked that idea, so, having solicited his ever-expanding fanbase, a live lottery was drawn and the honour of choosing awarded to someone calling themselves '4EverBelieber92.'

Somewhat unimaginatively, the winner asked for more of Justin's teeth. Justin said he didn't have any more teeth to spare, and suggested a lock of hair or a signed photograph instead. 4EverBelieber92 was adamant though, and threatened to report Justin to the Better Business Bureau if he went back on his word. Justin didn't need that kind of heat, so he visited a dentist and had a rear molar extracted.

True to his agent's promise, Justin's tooth sold for four thousand dollars.

Richer, but ever more leery of humankind, Justin gingerly announced another sweepstake. How 4EverBelieber92 managed to win a second lottery was a mystery that no one could answer, least of all Justin's agent, who managed the process. 4EverBelieber92's next grisly demand was the little finger from Justin's left hand. Justin scoffed at first, but was reminded that he was duty-bound to comply. At least this will be the end of it, Justin told his agent, as he clenched the secateurs.

Justin's pinky sold for eight thousand dollars.

That wasn't the end of it though. Justin's amateur surgery led to a visit to the hospital and a surgical bill that ran to the tens of thousands. On his agent's advice he announced a third lottery. Justin begged that he be allowed to auction an item of his choosing this time – a beloved childhood teddy bear, maybe some used underwear – but his agent convinced him otherwise. Do it for the fans, she said. Besides, the chances of 4EverBelieber92 winning another lottery were infinitesimal.

Justin's left arm went for sixteen thousand dollars.

Locked into a hopeless cycle of self-mutilation and spiralling medical bills, a time came when Justin was naught but a torso and a head. Eventually, having auctioned off his larynx, he was forced to present his webcast using a custom made typing wand strapped to his forehead. When the winner of Justin's final auction called for the removal of his head, it came as a mercy.

Justin's head sold for thirty-two thousand dollars. 4EverBelieber92 was the winner. 4EverBelieber92 was his agent. 4EverBelieber92 was his biggest fan.

~ D.B.


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