Skinny & Nod: Sign - Mustard comedy magazine
Skinny & Nod

The Skinny & Nod Dialogues

#4: Sign

"Sorry, mate. There's no swearing in here."

"On your tee-shirt, sir. Yes, 'fcuk' counts in my book. You've got to think of the disadvantaged, you know?"

"Dyslexics, deafies…"

"No deaf people here, sir? Oh really? May we draw the gentleman's attention to what happens at midday?"

"See? Twelve until one: the signing session."

"Tom Baker's doing it. Bet you never knew he knew sign language, did you, sir?"

"Huh, he's gone. The manners on some people."

"Yeah. You know, I think this venue is one of the worst we've ever had. I mean, take a look at this lot."

"Reminds me of that movie…"


"Total Recall..."

"I wouldn't say that, Nod, not after that anti-freeze business."

"Not you, you soft tit, the movie; Total Recall, loads of mutants living underground."

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen so many spotty nerds."

"Hang on, punter in range! You'll have to forgive Skinny, sir. He ain't exactly au-lait with the world of speculative fantasy based in a technological environment extrapolated from contemporary settings."

"I'm more of a Bruce Willis fan."

"Yeah, so unless you fancy The Fist Element, I'd get on your way."

"Sorry, mate, but I'd do what he says. Not been the same since they cancelled Sliders."

"What's that..? Yeah, well spotted, mate. Organisers thought it would be good if I came as a Klingon, what with the scars from me metal plate."

"Me? I'm a Vulcan, mate. Bloody sore, though. I think the wife's been using me razor on the dog again."

"Worth the pain for the accuracy, though, innit? 'Course, I already had one done due to that pub incident."

"Hang on – oi! Oi, mate! That's the Babylon 5 room, sunshine. No Captain Christopher Pikes allowed! Oh? Oh, right. Sorry, mate..."

"What's he say?"

"Says it's psoriasis."

"Never heard of it. Is it one of them that's on Skeeoney?"

"It's pronounced 'Sky One', you gimp."

"Ere, ain't they got that Michael J Fox coming later?"

"Yeah. Course, you know, my car travels in time too."

"No, it don't, Skinny."

"Yeah? Well, next time you're in it, you have a butcher's at the clock, then check it out again when we've arrived. Travels in space too."


~ R.F.

Illo: A.W.


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