Staff: Ralph Aspinall - Mustard comedy magazine
Ralph Aspinall

Ralph Aspinall

Shallow over a wide area

Staff Writer

Ralph is English and lives in Wales with a Scottish woman and two small dogs.

Ralph has been writing for Mustard since the very first of the black & white issues, and has written eight full-page articles plus some other bits:


Stories & Characters

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.1: Survival

"Sharks are attracted to urine, so just pee on the other passengers."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.2: Women

"When men were men,
and women were often boys in drag."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.3: Health

"We need the good old traditional British diseases back"

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.4: Plagues

"Death rates were over 100%, as the plague killed those compiling the statistics."

Derring Dos & Don'ts: #5: The Poor

pt.5: Poor

"Sponge off your relatives: I've wrung my folks, in strict rotation, 'til they squeaked."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.6: Food

"What larks we had! Roasted, with a side of green beans and potatoes."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.7: Wealth

"I've outlived several of my children; it's been open season on them from birth."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.8: Currency

"Gold? Never base your currency on something other people can dig up."

Derring Dos & Don'ts

pt.9: Sport

"Shotguns or surnames, I prefer them double-barrelled."

Writer's Block: Grey Dust

#3: Grey Dust

"Fourteen. Men. Dead. He should've had the minibus serviced."


True Stories

Patella Head

Patella Head

"My knees lacked the structural integrity they had enjoyed pre-Nissan Micra."


News Articles

Movie Title Recycle

Movie titles recycled

Studio to re-use famous film titles


The Complete Mustard

Mustard comedy magazine compendium
Mustard comedy magazine

Get the Mustard  Compendium: 
PDF  ยท  Paperback

The complete 336-page collection of all 9¼ issues,
featuring new and updated funny stuff, plus expanded interviews.


Myth Management

Out now: Mustard's first spin-off novel

Myth Management: a Young Adult Urban Fantasy novel by Alex Musson
Myth Management: a Young Adult Urban Fantasy novel by Alex Musson

Paperback  £8.99  ·

Kindle  £2.99  ·