Past-It^TM sticker craze sweeps Britain

Sir Paul McCartney is the latest victim of the Past-It^TM cultural guerrilla craze

The Past-ItTM, a yellow square of paper with an adhesive strip and "so Yesterday" scrawled on it, was slapped rudely to McCartney's forehead as he left the EMI buildings last week.

The ex-Beatle had become another victim of the underground movement that writes pithy summaries of an artist's cultural value and sticks them to their face. McCartney's career stalled overnight.

Sir Paul is not alone. A former Hollywood darling can now be seen working as a postman, the "Jude: Flawed" sticker peeping out from under his regulation-issue cap.

The stickers – dubbed "Past-It^TM notes" by a talk-show host who was, himself, Past-It^TMed whilst leaving Broadcasting House and consequently is no longer worth naming – have been plaguing the fortunes of the nation's famous for the past month.

"It's a crime," thundered Sir Paul to a poorly-attended press conference, as the journalists Googled his name. "These hooligans think that they can ruin my career with their flippant comments. But talent will triumph!"

He then begged vainly outside the Meridian Television offices for permission to perform his latest song, but was eventually turned away following a hushed conversation with the Network Controller containing the words 'Wings' and 'Frog Chorus'.

Janet Street-Porter, pontificating earlier on the news about "a grassroots definition of cultural obsolescence", was also Past-It^TMed live on-air by the interviewer, who then winked and mouthed "loser" to the camera.

Some unstickered celebrities are now too scared to leave their houses. Others, like John Whatsisface off that kids' telly programme, have even Past-It^TMed themselves in front of an indifferent crowd. "Anything to prevent the ignominy of being branded culturally irrelevant by the cruel, capricious public," he might have said, if anyone had been bothered to interview him.

Other celebrities more convinced of their relevance to modern society continued to appear in public, but under heavy protection. Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby now conduct all interviews from inside an old-fashioned red telephone box.

And following a distressing incident in which a Britain's Got Talent reject tried to sticker them with twin Past-It^TM notes, Ant 'n' Dec now have all contestants cavity-searched prior to the show, and conduct their exit interviews encased in Teflon bodysuits sprayed with chip-fat.

~ A.M.

 

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