Obituary of a hedgerowsexual - Mustard comedy magazine

Obituary of a hedgerowsexual

D. E. Obituary died in agony, and a flowerbed

He had wanted to die peacefully, surrounded by adoring and adorable friends, but it was not to be. His death throes were observed only by weeds, forget-me-nots and a weeping willow. However, the nature of his death was rather apt, for Obituary was a hedgerowsexual.

Some said he'd just never met the right woman, or man, but he knew he was born that way. As a child, walking in the country, he was always drawn to hedges, and went round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush more than the other children. His parents said he was just a nature lover – they were, in a way, quite right. 

One day, aged 15, he was strolling along a lane when he saw her standing there, waiting. In his memoir, Life on the Hedge, he recalled this hugely significant and moving moment:

"She glistened in the morning sun, dew dripping gently from her buds.
I touched her damp undergrowth.
She was more than just a bush to me."

Naturally, he was asked to leave the Scouts immediately.

But Obituary was not ashamed of his sexuality; he 'came outdoors' soon afterwards and moved to Surrey to live quietly in a cottage with a small garden.

Nonetheless, neighbours were unhappy, claiming that his kind were spreading diseases that were killing off perfectly straight hedges. Only the vicar supported him, preaching a sermon on St Juniper's Day based on the Gospel according to Luke, chapter 14 verse 23: "Go out on to the highways and along the hedgerows and make them come".

Obituary went on to set up action group OldStoneWall, which lobbied politicians and outed celebrities. This certainly played a part in mainstream society accepting hedgerowsexuality.

Obituary's memoir, with its preface by Prince Charles, sold very well (coinciding with the new series of All Creatures Great and Small) and his relationship continued to blossom.

Nevertheless, when he died, it was not during the act of lovemaking; the post-mortem showed that he was attacked by an enraged hedgehog.

After his body was discovered and removed, his beloved hedge was seen to wilt and die, as if from sorrow. Now, in its place, is a small plaque dedicated to a man who stood by his principles and refused to sit on the fence.

~ G.C.


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