CONTRIBUTORS' GUIDE

So, you want to write or draw for Mustard? Cool, we'd love to see your stuff. Here's a quick guide to what we're looking for.

• First off, take a look at what's in the current issues - this will give you an idea of the general Mustard style and the length of the articles.
• One thing to remember is that we don't do topical stuff - this is to give the magazines a longer shelf life.

Writers

The main thing we're looking for from new contributors is:

• SPOOF NEWS: satirical articles in the form of news stories. These should be short and punchy, usually between 300 and 400 words long.
  Examples from issue #01: Lethargy Generator, Apple iLitigate, NanaTechnology.

Here's what we're NOT currently looking for, because we already have several lined up:

• FIRST CHAPTERS from unfinished novels (approx 650 words).
  Example from issue #01: The Big Nasty
• TRUE STORIES (approx 675 words).
  Examples from issue #01: Wallaby vs Truck, The Lion & the B
• CHARACTER MONOLOGUES
  e.g. Derring Dos & Don'ts (Colonel Mustard) and Skinny & Nod.

We do also take Fake Ads and Film Parodies, though these are usually drawn rather than written: more info on those below.

General tips for writers
Write a draft, leave it a week or two and then come back to it, the problems will jump out at you. Keep it concise: choose your words carefully, cut the less funny stuff ("kill your babies") – readers often don’t even bother reading long articles. Avoid swearing: this will make you work harder and be more creative. Check your spelling and grammar: mistakes really distract from the writing.

Artists

Here’s what we want:

• CARTOONS - traditional one-panel cartoons.
  Examples from issue #01: Playing Fetch in Space, Conan the Victorian
• COMIC STRIPS
  Example from issue #01: Superhero-Men
• FAKE ADS
  Examples from issue #01: Jumper Removal Quandary, Cut-Out-House
• FILM POSTER PARODIES - often just a spoof film poster, sometimes with a review or excerpt.
  Examples from issue #01: Brief Encounter of the Third Kind, Them vs IT
• ARTICLE ILLUSTRATIONS - we'll brief you when we need an illo for an article or news story. Examples from issue #01: Monkey at Typewriter, Lethargy Generator
• SPOOF MAGS/BOOKS - covers to fake books or magazines.
  Examples from issue #01: The Big Nasty

General tips for artists:
Our artists must be held to an even higher standard than our writers, because the illustrations are what a prospective reader sees first when they pick up and flip through the mag. A weak illustration sticks out like a sore thumb, whilst a great one brings the entire magazine up a notch. Take a look at the art in issues #01 and #02 of Mustard. I know I’m really lucky to have those contributors, and it’s their high standard you have to live up to. Also, if you want to be commissioned to draw something, see my note in Blog 1 on the Channel 4 website (‘Inside the Mustard Office’) about being able to follow a brief. The good news is you can work from anywhere and email me. If you have a portfolio online, send me a link. That’s how Skinny Gavier got the job to illustrate Armchair Psychologist in issue #01, and he lives in Russia.