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Nanatechnology could
consume planet by 2017

A government think tank has highlighted the worrying rise in so-called "Nanatechnology", the blunt-edge science employed by the elderly

string theory

Nanas and granddads around the country have increasingly been seen retrofitting household items using this mysterious technology, which combines string, newspaper and spit. It is believed that items such as worn-out slippers, TV remote controls and squeaky drawers have all been subjected to nanatechnology overhauls. This science is a branch of the socalled 'string theory', which posits that everything in the world can be made or mended with a bit of old string, some yellowing Sellotape and the back of a packet of Cornflakes. So how widespread is this threat? Experts fear that millions of tartan shopping trolleys could conceal active

silos of nanatechnology, with their operators jacked-up on dangerous quantities of tea and biscuits.

Additionally, although unable to text, pensioners have created a communication system that piggybacks on existing telephone lines. Known as 'three pips', it involves ringing three times and then hanging up, enabling family members to signal that they have arrived home safely.

Most worryingly of all, statistics show that there will be 30% more OAPs by 2014. In other words: they're breeding.

"There is a clear and present danger that the world could be swamped by a 'grey-goo' of the elderly," said a government spokesman. "We must act

Safety pins, bits of string, spit and old cardboard.

against this threat now, with a national cull of the over 60s. It may sound extreme, but it's the only sure way to solve the pension crisis... uh, I mean make the world safe."

armchair psychologist
AT-AT shed
Small Medium At Large

9 This species, however, is completely harmless

Mustard #01: Graham LinehanMustard #02: Michael PalinMustard #03: Peep Show's Bain & ArmstrongMustard #04: Alan MooreMustard #05a: Stewart LeeMustard #05b: Richard HerringMustard #06: John LloydMustard #07: Robin InceMustard #08: Portlandia's Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen

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