Mustard comedy magazine
Get Mustard:    Print

Girl on train is soulmate in
fellow passenger's imagination

An attractive girl on the westbound overground tube last night was imagined by a fellow traveller to be his perfect match

girl on train

Having noticed the striking young woman sitting opposite him, passenger Milton Hence (28) pictured her as his perfect partner, sharing romantic candlelit dinners together and discussing the novels of Paul Auster long into the night.

Extrapolating wildly from her slightly indie clothes and the top of a book protruding from her bag, Hence imagined them attending retrospectives of the early films of Terry Gilliam and bonding over a shared love of shortlived science fiction series Firefly.

But in reality, the girl, 27-year-old administrative assistant Stacie Putnam, was reading a Sex and the City novelisation, had switched over in disinterest after 10 minutes of Time Bandits, and had often declared that all science fiction was "stupid".

Fortunately, the fragile bubble of

Hence's daydream was left unpricked, as he failed to make any contact with Putnam during their 15-minute shared journey, abandoning his plan to hand her the doodle he had drawn in his notebook in case it "came across a bit stalkery".

Indeed, when the girl at one point made eye contact with Hence and smiled, he blushed and quickly looked down at his feet.

Miss Putnam was the third girl to be incorrectly imagined as a perfect match by Hence that year, following 'cute girl reading The Independent' who sat next to him in a coffee shop in early February (her engagement ring went unnoticed) and 'red-haired girl in Watchmen T-shirt' who passed him in the street in April (she thought it was an acid house logo).

Hence remains single.

He extrapolated wildly from her slightly hippy clothes and the top of a book protruding from her bag.

God invents practical jokes

did you know?

Scotland is made entirely out of papier-mâché. It was constructed in 1904 to lure over American tourists. This explains the ridiculous clothing/accent/musical instruments/cuisine/facial hair.

There's nothing in The Bible about not smoking!

6 "Don't be soft, it's not even loaded"

Mustard #01: Graham LinehanMustard #02: Michael PalinMustard #03: Peep Show's Bain & ArmstrongMustard #04: Alan MooreMustard #05a: Stewart LeeMustard #05b: Richard HerringMustard #06: John LloydMustard #07: Robin InceMustard #08: Portlandia's Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen
Myth Management

~ on other pages ~

First World War Problems
#FirstWorldProblems »
A series of First World Problems that were also First World War Problems.
Back to the Future: the Inevitable Remake
Back to the Future:
the Inevitable Remake »
Teenager Martie McFly travels back thirty years, to 1985!
Jurassic Park: post credits sequence
Jurassic Park:
post credits sequence »
Lost deleted scene features suprising appearance.
Mustard trailer
Mustard trailer »
Watch our trailer, featuring music and narration from Matt Berry!
Mustard compendium paperback
Get Mustard
in print

The complete collection
in a 336-page paperback.

PDF downloads
 Get Mustard
 on digital

  336-page PDF download of
  the complete compendium.

Action figures
Comedy action figures »
Blackadder, Young Ones, It Crowd, Alan Partridge, Brass Eye and more, painstakingly handcrafted from pixels.
Question Tag
Question Tag »
Mustard's interviewees ask each other questions. Featuring Linehan, Palin, Bain, Moore, Berry, Lee, Herring, Lloyd, etc.
Paper versions of Michael Palin, Alan Moore, Peep Show and IT Crowd
Paper People »
Cut-out-and-make Mustard cover stars! Michael Palin, Alan Moore, Stewart Lee, Richard Herring and Peep Show and IT Crowd crews.
Mustard on The IT Crowd
Mustard on The IT Crowd »
Moss reads Mustard in an episode of The IT Crowd, and Roy's reading it on the cover of the American DVD.
Brilliantly funny! BBC Absolutely cracking! Channel 4 First class. The Guardian
A satirical gem. The Telegraph A dash of something special. Michael Palin
Endlessly hilarious. Alan Moore Like The Onion? You'll love MustardPatton Oswalt